You know, Adam and I have had an easy go of it lately. Infact, when I look back at our marriage, we have had very few major issues and most were within the first 5 years we were married. Everyone said that building a house was the closest they had gotten to divorce, and we sailed through it. Sure, there were stressful times (ie what colors to choose, what flooring to choose, staying in the budget), but from the beginning I always felt like the Lord was directing us to this location and I knew that it was supposed to be. I think that made it easier, even if it was in my own mind. So, we Barnetts have coasted pretty easy for awhile and it has been rather nice I must say. And then came September...
September 5th Adam was laid off from his job. We knew his work was planning lay offs, but when he survived the first round back in April we thought he was safe. Then the day before "dooms day", Adam came home with a box of things from his cubical. I think he knew then. He wouldn't officially get any news until the next morning. I sat on the stairs and wept for him. He had put so much of his time, energy, and life into his job. He worked overtime, holiday, and even 24hrs straight. Why him? The best answer he got was that his project was wrapping up and was easier to let him go than to transfer him... Awesome. The first week or so after he was let go was hard on Adam. He felt angry and he missed the companionship of the friends he made there. I also can't imagine the weight of responsibility that he must have felt. Here we had built this beautiful new home and without a job, how could we survive? Lucky for me, my husband is just amazing. He went to workshops, job fairs, career counselors, met with placement agencies, interview after interview. And then a job came around at Beijer Electronics that sounded perfect for him. He interviewed and knocked it out of the park; he thought for sure it was his...and then he didn't get it. That was a blow. I remember praying for Heavenly Father to help Adam. To give him direction. Adam frequently attended the Temple and I saw him praying often. A couple weeks later we were talking in the car and I said, "Adam, you loved Beijer, maybe you ought to just apply for anything they have available." A few days later, he felt like instead of applying for the entry level position there, he should just give them a call. What could it hurt? He called and the HR rep said, "We are impressed that you called us; it just so happens we may have something for you." The next day he had another interview, the day after a phone interview, and by the end of the day a job offer. Seven weeks after he was laid off, he had found an amazing new job. One that he finds exciting and loves. Adam has gotten e-mails from others who were laid off asking what his secret to success is. We know that Adam did everything he could to find a new job and the Lord made up the rest. That is what he promises us and we saw and felt it through this time in our lives.
Now what I didn't mention was that normally during times like this, I would be a stark raving mess. When there is something wrong, I need it to be fixed immediately. My mind races and I have trouble focusing on anything else. My poor husband has to put up with this. However, while Adam was laid off, I had no anxiety. None. I know that is how the Lord blessed me personally during this time. I knew that if we had Faith, no matter how long the wait was, He would help us.
So, back to the trials. Besides my broken ankle (yeah that was awesome) we also had some wonderful news. Three days before Adam was laid off, we found out I was pregnant. We were beyond excited. Having a 5th child was something we had discussed for awhile, but it never really felt like the right time until the end of this Summer. So, even with the job lay off and the broken ankle we had that little ray of sunshine in our lives. The kids could not have been more excited. I wish I would have taped their reactions, because the pure joy on their faces was priceless. Everything I hoped for. Then the trial again.. Monday the 28th of October I started spotting. I called my doctor and he said not to worry. I tried not to worry. Halloween night it got worse and we decide to call our doctor after hours. He said there was nothing I could do but to come in the morning and check to see if everything was ok. So, November 1st, my 30th birthday, we went to our doctors and received the news. We had lost our baby. I was 12 weeks 2 days, but the baby was measuring a couple of weeks behind and there was no heartbeat. I know right? Man is it difficult to keep it together as you walk out of a doctor's office with many pregnant women in the waiting room. We got to the car, and I lost it. This was something that was not even on my radar. I have four beautiful children and never experienced a miscarriage before. Why now? I still don't know the answer and I don't know that I ever will. Adam was so wonderful and I continued on with all my wonderful birthday plans. He surprised me with an appointment to get my hair cut and colored, we went up to Logan and ate at The Elements restaurant (which was amazing), and we stayed the night at the Anniversary Inn. I am so thankful to my mom for watching my kids that night, because for many hours I sat in Adam's arms and cried. It has now been 10 days since we found out and it is still hard. I still cry. I still hurt. I am trying to rely on the Lord for his comfort, but I found that it is easier for me to pray for someone else's comfort than for my own.
I didn't think that this was something I was going to share, but I've been having a harder time with it than I thought that I would. I just felt like I needed to get it out. I am not looking for anything, I just needed to put my feelings down. It's hard and it sucks and I don't know where to go from here. But, I do know that I will keep going. I do recognize my past and current blessings. I couldn't ask for better children than the ones I have. The Lord has blessed me and will continue to bless me. He has his reasons, even if I don't agree or understand them. I trust Him, I love Him, and I know that He loves me. Thank you to everyone who has shown me so much love. It is much appreciated.
